I was a finance major in college and I hated it.
There was a moment that I genuinely considered changing my major to anthropology. I had taken a couple courses and the subject matter actually kept me awake in class!
But when the response to sharing that with someone important was a critical “what the heck are you going to do with an anthropology degree?” I quickly squashed the idea and stayed the path.
That wasn’t the first time, and sadly not the last, that I chose to override my instincts in favor of what I “should” do or what I thought something was “supposed” to look like.
Case in point: I didn’t actually believe I was creative until about 5 years ago.
I ignored my ability to write. I forgot entirely about the occasional sketches of princess dresses or still life, or the cool photographs I’d taken during my travels. I didn’t consider my prowess in the kitchen. And even when I was decorating my home, experimenting with color and pattern, and being asked to help others — I still didn’t think of myself as a creative.
Why?
Because I had built a wall of limits by telling myself that creativity had to come in a certain form, or be of high caliber to be worthy of that title.
So I stuck with my analytical jobs until I became a stay at home mom. And whenever that nagging question “what do I want to do with my life” would rise up, I considered many options yet continued to downplay my creative instincts.
The crack that started to bring it all down? I think it was decorating my home publicly on Instagram — realizing how my various life experiences influenced my style in a unique way that outlasted trends, sharing it, watching people respond.
But honestly, the external validation was just the nudge. The real shift was deeper.
I finally just stopped believing my own bullshit.
I started learning to see myself the way others did.
To find and trust my instincts again.
To stop buying into the “shoulds” and “supposed tos”.
This is just the beginning of how I landed here, but I want to close with this:
Have you held yourself back from doing more with yourself or your business because of a bogus societal standard that goes against your instincts? What can you do to start breaking that down?
I don’t have all the answers and I’m definitely still on this journey of figuring things out, but I think we women owe it to ourselves to stop editing out the truest parts of ourselves.
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Another great post that invites conversation! First of all, congrats on coming into your creativity! I believe it happened at the right time, and that’s something worth celebrating ❤️
Some of these points touched up on my own past experiences, and why it took this long for me to actually do something with my creativity. I hope you don’t mind me sharing! I’ve always been an artist—drawing and writing have always been the greatest loves of my life. I majored 3D animation in college thinking that was my calling, but it wasn’t. The trimester structure was so bad I ended up dropping out because it took a toll on my health and destroyed my passion for art. Constantly pumping out artwork both physical and digital, all-nighters that kept me up past 24hrs, the constant pushing my body… I was a 2 years away from finishing, but I dropped out.
To top it off, the friends I had around weren’t helping either. I had a childhood friend who was practically a sister. We were already falling out after 15 years of friendship, but the final nail to the coffin was when I could no longer handle her passive aggression.
The last day I had an actual conversation with her, we were catching up. Back then, I was dabbling in the idea of opening a bakery because I found joy in baking. I told her I was thinking of going to culinary school to pursue that. I was excited, feeling energized after so long! And I kid you not, she glared and said, “You should grow up! Get a regular job like I did!” And then proceeded with a monologue (to cover her ass because she blew up with a present witness—her sister) of her saying she cared about me, that she wanted to see me succeed, and then in the same breath told me to go back to housekeeping. Housekeeping. Of all the jobs I’ve had, she suggested the worst one. Where women struggle with how physically demanding it is, how poor the pay is, and how disrespected you are by management. Mind you, I broke down and started crying in front of her, and she said that “it was for my own good” that she was saying that stuff. It spoke volumes about how much she projected onto me and looked down on me too.
She broke my heart that day; she was someone I trusted deeply. It left a lasting impact, and I just shelfed away any lingering desire I had to pursue anything. I cut her out, sunk into depression, lost my way and identity too. Took up random jobs, and just kind of wandered metaphorically. It took me years to put the pieces back together, and even longer to forge a path, but I’m here now. I too don’t have all the answers, but I’ve embraced that as part of the journey. And above all, I’m proud of myself for giving myself the space to be me and honor my old loves and creativity! 😊
Oh my gosh, wow. Nikko, thank you for sharing such a vulnerable and personal story. I definitely don’t mind at all!
Isn’t it crazy how some of the people closest to us end up being the ones who hurt us the most? And like you said, it leaves such a lasting impact.
What’s amazing though is that even if it led to some aimless wandering a bit – eventually you were able to find yourself again. And the bullshit and wandering is part of what gives you the courage to be taking the steps you are taking now. I’m so happy to hear your proud of yourself – you should be!!! 💗